Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Unberable Lightness of [E-]Being...

I keep wondering what this space is about (kinda like i did when I read Kundera's book, for which I titled this post, at a pretty young age, i guess around 15. thankfully, i read it again. i just love MK. but my favorite is El libro de los amores ridiculos or Laughable Loves - I put it in Spanish because it sounds so much prettier. No offense English speakers, such is the case with other words in English or even French). Literally, from Spanish to English, it's The Book of Ridiculous Love. See? Isn't that nicer? I know, I'm such a nerd and possibly even a bad translator, LMAO).

Anyway, sorry, but I wanted to let those who didn't know Kundera, hopefully, be happily enlightened. I love him!

I began this blog with the thought of emptying my mind of my thoughts. Yes, that way at least I'd leave my brain with different ones.

But at some point, right before my journey into blog-world, someone made me paranoid. Justifiably so, I keep thinking, for at least two reasons in my head. Or at least, it's had me oscillate between that and the fact that who the hell cares what I write or don't write.

But then the thought of my mother finding my innermost parenting thoughts just blows my mind with utter laziness to deal with the consequences. Only because I assume, from past experience that is, that she and I not always -or rather almost never- can communicate our feelings and opinions in a civilized manner at best. And at worst, the outcome will be hurting each other's feelings -even if involuntarily. This would absolutely kill me because that would never ever be my intention, and that's why we don't have parenting discussions often. To give us credit where it's due (and not to toot our own horn, lol), we have managed to stop the conversation before it gets where we clearly will differ (sometimes more gracefully than others, but wth -this is still progress considering our history).

The other paranoid reason I had to not pour out such innermost feelings and thoughts is a prospective employer. Not because I'd be afraid of say, not being hired (well, certainly it would have a percentage in the paranoia, who would I be kidding), but the plain principle of my employer knowing me so well (and most likely not a depth I'd like to share of myself in a relationship with such entity, I don't think) is the main reason I'd be hesitant for them to see. But I'm not as paranoically (is that a word? i take it it's not by the red line the SC'er just made. oh well, i tried) affected by this one as I am with the former one, probably because most of my philosophical mind journeys involve mostly my children and myself growing together.

And lastly, but ever so freaky, are well, the e-freaks. Someone just plain getting off on my kids in a fucked up way. That would truly freak me out. Hmm, denial might be a good venue for this one right about NOW.

I wonder how this post itself will manifest to my [not] being or [not] e-being.

Whew, just had to ramble this off my chest.

But to leave this post with a warmer thought :P, I am sooooooooooooo excited my Dad will be coming to visit this Saturday. Oh how I love him. I am sure it's not an easy task as my parent, but holy shit, he manages to keep his cool when I do approach my parental/existential and newly-adapted philosophies. Hell, he'll listen with a complete open mind AND heart. We also manage to talk about those other possible nasty feelings so that they do not materialize. He truly inspires me to be the parent I want to be.

OMG so here we go - not that my mother isn't/wasn't the best parent I could have had. She completely is, we just go about it in a more belligerent way. That's all. :)

Ok, but what was the ending supposed to be? LMAO. Yes, can't wait to finish cleaning up 7 years of shit (at least) for this upcoming lovely Saturday night.

(whomever it is that happens to read this: wow. thanks for your time! :) )

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